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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Feb 8, 2009 18:17:38 GMT -6
I found out a short while ago that my father was found dead by a friend of his this afternoon. He was found in his car with the window rolled down, in his garage. Prelim cause of death carbon monoxide poisoning.
I am headed down to Detroit tomorrow, and will probably be off line for the week.
I AM ROYALLY PISSED at this point in time. He has been having a lot of medical tests lately but insisted that there was nothing wrong. He has been also doing a lot of drunk dialing lately and his short term memory has been less than stellar. Thursday he talked with my wife, said he was looking forward to coming up to see us in the spring, but then he asked how her mom (who died in December) was doing.
The scary part for me right now is that his younger brother used a shotgun on himself a year ago in November. I hope there isnt some damn gene at work in there.
Later G
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Post by DT on Feb 8, 2009 18:23:02 GMT -6
Wow Gordon......Hang in there. You and your family is in my prayers.
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Post by Chicago Jake on Feb 8, 2009 18:45:22 GMT -6
Holy, crap, Gordon! We're here for you if you need to vent, rant, or whatever. Do what you have to do for the family......Jake
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Post by Irish Stu on Feb 8, 2009 18:45:48 GMT -6
Gordon
A chill ran down my spine when I read this shocking news. I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Your friend Simon
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Post by Hedo69 on Feb 8, 2009 18:47:02 GMT -6
Gordon, so sorry for the news. You'll be in our thoughts.
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Post by Exildo Wonsetler Briggs III on Feb 8, 2009 19:44:13 GMT -6
Gordon, I'm stunned at this news. Hang in there and be sure you Hedo friend's thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
............Bob
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Post by innit Geezer on Feb 8, 2009 19:57:04 GMT -6
Gordon, I'm very sorry. I wish you the very best at this time. We'll be thinking of you ....
Gary (and Geri)
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Post by carl on Feb 8, 2009 20:29:28 GMT -6
What a mix of emotions you must feel! You've alluded to some. I don't doubt the anger. And wondering about the genes.
I'd say you're right to your anger, and the drunk dialling and other things certainly signalled something awry - and the memory problem.
Still, with the window down, is it possible that this was accidental, and not suicide?
Still a death, and sudden. I have compassion for you. None of know fully what goes on in the mind and psyche of another - even family or friends.
And as for genetic, or even environmental, control over our futures, I still think we can deliberately rise above them. Or at least not let them immobilize us.
What we have is now. Sometimes "now" sucks, but if we're lucky and keep trying, a new "now" is going to be just what we want. And some "nows" are going to be better than we could have imagined.
May you see many of the latter this next year.
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Post by Tex on Feb 8, 2009 20:38:13 GMT -6
So sorry to hear it Gordon. Hang in there.
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Post by Christinko on Feb 8, 2009 21:46:08 GMT -6
Dear Gordon, I sure hear your frustration. Know that I'm hoping you find calm in this storm. Take care of yourself, my friend. You will be okay, but first it sounds as though you have to shovel a lot of grief, and anger, and sadness, and all those other emotions that will likely ebb and flow for a bit as you sort it all out. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. You have my best wishes.
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Post by viperess on Feb 8, 2009 23:22:21 GMT -6
Gordon it's going to be a long hard road and I'm praying for you. Take care, friend.
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Post by Merlot Joe on Feb 9, 2009 0:02:51 GMT -6
Gordon I am so very sorry for your loss. Remember we are all here for you.
Joe & Denice
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Post by wareagle on Feb 9, 2009 9:34:54 GMT -6
What a tragedy, I'm truly sorry for your lost Gordon. Come home safe.
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Post by ladydi2153 on Feb 9, 2009 12:35:30 GMT -6
Gordon, I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you know that we're all here for you.
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Post by New Mama on Feb 9, 2009 15:06:13 GMT -6
How awful for you Gordon. I'm so sorry.
I used to worry about the 'gene' as my dad's death was suicide. I was an adult before I learned that such thoughts are common, especially by offspring but totally unfounded.
Loosing a parent is a terrible loss. We are here for you Gordie.
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Post by bigdog8088 on Feb 9, 2009 18:20:22 GMT -6
My Condolences Gordon...
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Feb 10, 2009 8:05:05 GMT -6
Im reporting from my hotel room.
Thanks for everyones thoughts and support.
Got in yesterday at about 4pm after a day of driving and the solitude that it brings. Excellent time to reflect on things.
Yes it appears that it was intentional. None of us can come up with a reasonable alternative scenario where he would get into the car with the garage door closed, start the engine, and roll down the car window. Unless he chose that exact moment to have a debilitating heart attack.
The full toxicology report wont be out for a couple weeks, but he has been drinking heavily lately, much to the concern of us all. It is entirely possible that he was not in full command of his faculties when he did this, not that it matters much.
Other complicating factors, Saturday was the 35th anniversary of the accident that killed my mom, and Saturday he had an argument with his current best female friend, she told him she was deeply disappointed in him relating to his drinking. That could have been a tipping point for him mentally. She was the person who found him on Sunday.
Anyways, we got most of his apartment cleared out yesterday, loaded everything into my brothers snowmobile trailer, we will unload the trailer later today. Viewing tomorrow, and funeral on Thursday.
As the oldest, I get to do the eulogy... joy. So far, we have been working together in shock mode, the grieving (for the man we knew as kids and young adults) will come soon enough.
G
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Post by innit Geezer on Feb 10, 2009 8:46:32 GMT -6
All the best to you Gordon.
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Post by wareagle on Feb 10, 2009 10:19:05 GMT -6
Tough times Gordon, hang in there bro.
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Post by edie2u on Feb 10, 2009 23:00:38 GMT -6
Gordon, I am so sorry to read your post. I hope that you and your siblings, as well as the rest of your family, will somehow find peace and not let this tragedy settle in your hearts. May God bless all of you.
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Post by DT on Feb 11, 2009 8:04:32 GMT -6
They will stay here Gordon. (until not needed)
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Post by pixiedust on Feb 14, 2009 0:56:50 GMT -6
Gordon,
I've been away from the boards for a while and not seen this post. I am so deeply sorry. I had a stepfather kill himself when I was young. I know it can be something you never quite get over fully and the shock of it is just awful.
Please hang in there and try to remember the good times you had with him.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Colleen
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Post by Dan on Feb 15, 2009 21:44:54 GMT -6
Gordon -
Good to hear from you again and good to be back. I feel your loss and your pain. I've been away for the past months taking care of my father. I found him passed away one morning when I brought him breakfast. My 52nd birthday. One I'll never forget. I lost my father - and my best friend. Knowing it was coming didn't make it easier - but to not know as was your case is even more painful.
I wish you profound peace. My peace is that I was here in his final days and that he was able to pass away at home with family nearby. Though the circumstances differ - they ARE in a better place.
More later G,
Dan
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Feb 15, 2009 21:52:08 GMT -6
Hey, Dan -- good to see you back!
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Feb 16, 2009 6:45:01 GMT -6
Well, Im back in the office. I managed to deliver a eulogy without a breakdown of any sorts. I guess I put on a pretty good game face for that.
We got his condo cleared out, looted the booty and trashed the rest.
Dad had been in the car for at least 24 hours, so its going to take some professional work to get that presentable for resale.
The other remaining task is selling a 35' motorhome, his last remaining significant asset. He bought it for $70K in '02, it has only 4,000 miles on it, we will be lucky to get $25K now.
From going through his records, it appears that he burnt through about $380K in the past couple years. He sold the house we grew up in in 2000 for $120K, won $170K in the Michigan lottery in '02, and had just under $100K in other savings that he had stashed away over the years, plus the money he got from his pension and Social Security.
Yes, it was his money to spend, but he spent most of it with his girlfriend in the casinos on the Canadian side of the Detroit River. I have no issue with gambling, but such a wanton waste just defies reason. We think that another reason that he checked out was that he was down to about $5K in his last CD and realized that the end of the cash flow was near.
Oh well, I havnt had time to grieve yet, if grief is even possible right now, just too many other feelings to let that happen yet.
THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT. After a suicide in my wifes department at work, my uncle and my father offing themselves and my MIL dying in the past 14 months, I am ready to go without aspect of life for a while!
G
PS- Dan WELCOME BACK!
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Post by Tex on Feb 16, 2009 7:22:46 GMT -6
Welcome back Dan. It's good to hear from you. Sorry about your dad.
Gordon, you need a vacation dude. The winter up there would do me in, but you have had a lot of shit lately. Hang in there with it and plan something fun.
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Feb 16, 2009 11:19:26 GMT -6
From going through his records, it appears that he burnt through about $380K in the past couple years. He sold the house we grew up in in 2000 for $120K, won $170K in the Michigan lottery in '02, and had just under $100K in other savings that he had stashed away over the years, plus the money he got from his pension and Social Security.
Yes, it was his money to spend, but he spent most of it with his girlfriend in the casinos on the Canadian side of the Detroit River. I have no issue with gambling, but such a wanton waste just defies reason. We think that another reason that he checked out was that he was down to about $5K in his last CD and realized that the end of the cash flow was near. Gordon, I want to say I understand what you're trying to express here, I *think*, but maybe that's just me being presumptuous again. Is your problem with his "wanton waste" as you call it the fact that he squandered your inheritance? If so, I can understand the anger, but on the other hand, I can certainly understand your father's behavior, too. He kept going after your mother's death, he kept going after his brother's death and finally, he saw there was nothing left in the tank (no pun intended) and could go on no more -- so, what he did, in a sense, was the noble thing ... The Motor City version of The Viking Funeral. Sure, you can be reproachful for the way he lived his final years, but then again, there might be things about the way you live your life that he might not necessarily approve of, either. In his later years, he lived his life for himself on his terms, trying to do what made him happy. Goodness knows we all try to live in a way where we think we're trying to seek happiness, but in reality, we're doing things that are actually sabotaging our happiness. Sounds to me like your dad knew what made him happy and he went for it until he could no longer do so, for whatever reason. I, too, would like to retire and have fun in my own way (which would likely be far different from his, since I'm no gambler) -- however, given my own health, I don't see living long enough to retire and given the way my finances have tanked in this economy, I don't see myself ever retiring, even if I did live long enough. Good for him that he was able to do it, I say. But then again, it's easy for me to be objective about it because he wasn't my father. Someone once told me that the day you learn to forgive your parents is the day you finally grow up and become an adult. If that's true, then I'm still very much a child at the ripe old age of 50 because I've yet to forgive either one of mine -- I haven't forgiven my father for physically abandoning me and I haven't forgiven my mother for emotionally abandoning me. Don't let that happen to you. Forgive the way he ended things and allow yourself the opportunity to be the grown up he likely wanted you to be.
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Feb 16, 2009 11:46:03 GMT -6
In rereading my post, I can see that the "squandering" might equate to "lost inheritance" in how it might come across. I guess that the deeper issue is that he preferred to not spend his time and money with his family or traveling to see his family. Yes, it was his money, and he spent it in what made him happy, I guess that our (us siblings) priorities are vastly different. Had he given it all to a charity of some sorts, I could understand that. I simply cannot fathom dumping that kind of money into slot machines (hell, it might have been cool if he lost it at the poker table, but not slot machines).
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Feb 16, 2009 11:58:08 GMT -6
-- so, what he did, in a sense, was the noble thing ... The Motor City version of The Viking Funeral. Or he was shitfaced drunk again and had no idea what he was actually doing, still waiting for the final toxicology report. Forgive the way he ended things and allow yourself the opportunity to be the grown up he likely wanted you to be. I have already sworn to not make his mistakes and be the best husband and father that I can... the forgiveness will come with time.
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Feb 16, 2009 12:03:38 GMT -6
Or he was shitfaced drunk again and had no idea what he was actually doing ... Still, a way *I* wouldn't mind going out -- either that, or dying of a heart attack while having sex with a girl from one of those Elliot Spitzer-type Escort Services.
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