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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 14, 2005 15:23:35 GMT -6
My wife and I have some close friends, a couple that we have known since childhood. What's happening is a steady decline in morale and a general darkness or depression like qualities in our friends personalities. While this couple has never been an exciting or out going pair, they have become flat out boring with faces to the floor. (and this is in a social environment) They might think the opposite of us as "we've been to that Hedo place" and you know this connotation. The husband speaks infrequently when we are all together and I feel this big demand on me to entertain, it is now unbearable. The wife has such a sad face on (all the time)and her conversation is geared ONLY to put things and people down. After a night out with them both Geri and I are exhausted from trying to keep a conversation going and especially one that is "positive,happy or constructive".
The question is:
Since they are decades old friends do we tell them to perk-up or else? Or Do we ask or suggest to them to get help?
You have to see their demeanor in action, we could be in an exciting huge bar/restaurant and they look like their dog died. Mean while Geri and I get more into a party fun mode and we have a grand ol' time.
We care about them and would never let them down but ....dam, we can't keep this up. HELP!
If we tell a Hedo story (mild one) they slump down in their chairs....... you gotta see that scene, I guess they think someones going to rip their pants off at check-in.
Your thoughts are greatly welcomed.
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Sept 14, 2005 15:30:39 GMT -6
They sound constipated. Just give them some Ex-Lax and let Nature take its course.
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 14, 2005 15:34:10 GMT -6
They sound constipated. Just give them some Ex-Lax and let Nature take its course. BB, you kill me, you're so reliable, I'm laughing very hard right now...
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Sept 14, 2005 15:35:13 GMT -6
I exist merely to serve. So glad I could help.
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Post by Cherbunny on Sept 14, 2005 16:10:22 GMT -6
Gary~
I started to type a long story I had to share with you, but decided fuck it....just give you the bottom line.
Sometimes you just have to get rid of the downers in your happy life, no matter how long you've been friends with them.
I told a *friend* to get on some happy pills as drowning herself in booze wasn't working. I said I can't deal with her anymore and that a real friend wouldn't pull this kind of shit. I haven't heard from her since.
So, go ahead and suggest they do something....go see a doctor about getting some happy pills. Also, have Geri have a private chat with the *wife*. If you all have been friends for so long, then maybe she will spill the beans to your wife what's really troubling her. It could be anything....financial, health, or marital problems/worries.
IMHO, if you've been friends for this long, then tell them your concerns. If they do nothing, then let it go and move on.
What you enjoyed together as kids was great. It doesn't mean you will even like each other as adults.
That will be 5 cents.....
Hugs~ Cher
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Post by vbplyr on Sept 14, 2005 16:48:17 GMT -6
Having been miserably married, can recognize the signs. Talk to them separately and see what 's going on. Don't abandon them when they may need you most.
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sabrina1
Member
Early morning at HII
Posts: 151
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Post by sabrina1 on Sept 14, 2005 17:23:28 GMT -6
Having been miserably married, can recognize the signs. Talk to them separately and see what 's going on. Don't abandon them when they may need you most. I agree with vbplyr to a point. Since you have been friends so long, I would at least make an attempt at finding out what is wrong. Perhaps with a question one-on-one to whoever you are closest to - something like, "You know, I have noticed lately that you seem kind of sad and not yourself. Is it my imagination or is there something I can do to help you?" If you don't get something out of your question, I would then back off. People do ch-ch-change and if the relationship is bringing you down and you do not see any light at the end of the tunnel, I would leave it alone for a while. Your friend may not be ready to talk about it however they will know that you are there when they are ready. Good luck! Hope it goes well.
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Post by Cherbunny on Sept 14, 2005 17:38:53 GMT -6
You gals said it much better than I did.
Go talk to your friends and see what's happening.
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 14, 2005 17:54:10 GMT -6
This is brewing for years now and it's come to a head. We were at a open house party for the local fire dpartment, they stood in one spot and did not speak....for hours. They took a cruise with their two kids this summer and when they got back they said they were bored and had nothing to do. This is typical.
We can go anywhere by ourselves and/or as long as your with the right people it's all good.
My wife is going to bring it up this weekend.
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 14, 2005 17:55:28 GMT -6
I don't think the marriage is bad, they can't function without each other.
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Post by Tex on Sept 14, 2005 18:15:27 GMT -6
Try to guide them to get help but be careful - the diseases that the psychiatrist treats are just as contagious as the common cold. I met you guys and you seem to both be happy and upbeat (excepting certain pizza throwing episodes) so I would not torture yourselves by wasting too much time with these wet blankets. Just my two cents.
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 14, 2005 18:25:47 GMT -6
Thanks Tex, I'm going to post the results of this when the shit ultimately hits the fan..ENTER BBI'm running a tab here, I owe Cbunny .05 and you .02
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Post by Tex on Sept 14, 2005 18:29:48 GMT -6
Yeah, keep us posted.
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Sept 14, 2005 18:44:36 GMT -6
[quote author=garyandgeri board=SoundOff thread=1126733015 post=1126743947]..ENTER BB [/quote]
By NO MEANS should I ever be entered.
Or at least, enter at your own risk.
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Post by vbplyr on Sept 14, 2005 18:50:42 GMT -6
I'm running a tab here, I owe Cbunny .05 and you .02 WTF
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 14, 2005 18:57:49 GMT -6
I'm running a tab here, I owe Cbunny .05 and you .02 WTF Cbunny said I owe her 5 cents and Tex offered his advise and said thats his 2 cents. I guess thats a net 3 cents.
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Post by Lady Irie on Sept 14, 2005 22:50:20 GMT -6
You do have some great advice here Gary & Geri!
I'm going to drop my nickel's worth too. It is a different perspective from the others, and you are the only one that will know which is the way to go.
You've mentioned a couple of things....1. a "steady decline over the years" like a depression with your friends...in another post you said; 2. "This has been brewing for years"; and 3. when they returned from a cruise they were "bored" and that this was "typical.
Couple of thoughts here....it sounds to me they have depressed personalities which is different from depression. One is a personality disorder while the other is more of a mood illness. Differentiating between the two can be difficult. Perhaps the one clear distinction between the two forms is that persons with a depressed character or personality are aware and alert, able to continue functioning at work and at home, (which it sounds like your friends are able to do), while dysthymics (those suffering from an actual level of depression which affects mood), by definition, are impaired by their illness. i.e. not showering, unable to keep a job, excessive sleeping, suicidal, etc.
That being said, is it a "steady decline" or is it possible that since you have been friends since childhood, that you have simply "grown apart", and your friends have always been like this? Could it be they no longer fill a need for you? Perhaps it is you who have changed from years ago which is magnifying the differences you see. You may need to sit back and ponder this a while.
It appears to me, you two have grown, and flurished, and your friends have chosen to stagnate and perhaps haven't experienced the growth you and Geri have. (Assuming it's Gary writing!) At one point in your life this perhaps was acceptable, but you have moved beyond that and are looking for more out of life as well as your friends.
I believe people come and go in our lives as we need them for a specific puropse. If you look back on who was important in your life 10 years ago, those people may not hold as important as a role for you now(if they are even still around), albiet paramount at the time. It doesn't mean we think any less of them, but perhaps their role in our growth simply isn't needed now and others will enter your life for reasons yet not made clear.
It is not healthy to have your energy drained each time you meet with them. Perhaps meeting more infrequently or in group situations where you can divide your time, and not have to carry the ball the entire evening is a way to go. While I am sure it hurts to think you are loosing childhood friends, perhaps you can still keep a friendship, and maintain your energy levels with a small compromise.
Edited to add: Never, I repeat NEVER invite BB to Enter! Remember Pandora's Box.
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Post by vbplyr on Sept 15, 2005 4:06:35 GMT -6
Never, I repeat NEVER invite BB to Enter! Remember Pandora's Box. Could have used that advice a couple of years ago...oh wait, someone did tell me that, I just didn't listen !!
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Post by Irish Stu on Sept 15, 2005 4:38:10 GMT -6
I would not torture yourselves by wasting too much time with these wet blankets. Just my two cents. I agree with Tex here. Some friendships eventually run their course, and once that happens what is left is can be stagnant and dull. And at times downright awkward and embarrassing. Try talking to these people, but if you can't get through to them then just let them go. If they can't let themselves be happy you don't need them dragging you down too. Just my 2 pence. Simon
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Sept 15, 2005 8:19:01 GMT -6
Edited to add: Never, I repeat NEVER invite BB to Enter! Remember Pandora's Box. Actually, at this point in my life, I wouldn't mind entering Pandora's Box. Or anyone else's, for that matter.
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Post by viperess on Sept 15, 2005 9:29:53 GMT -6
Yeah...I've known people like this......come to find out, they were actually closet freaks.... But seriously, sounds like part of their problem is just plain ole closed mindedness.Those types frustrate me. Sister in law is like that....no..I take that back....she's just a bitch... DD
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Post by Lady Irie on Sept 15, 2005 9:43:47 GMT -6
We must be related by marriage - I have the same sister in- law!
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Post by viperess on Sept 15, 2005 9:50:45 GMT -6
We might be!! Prime example of someone with an inheritance, no money worries and thinks her in laws are scum. I want to tell her to shut the hell up!!! So what if I have tobacco juice on my chin! ;D Actually, one of my brothers took a leak on the side of their house one year......Yeah, it was crude, but I laughed my ass off!!! DD
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Post by Tex on Sept 15, 2005 12:33:04 GMT -6
I inadvertently ended one such old friendship. I was admittedly three sheets to the wind at a stripper club at another friend's bachelor party. I cut my hand on a broken bottle and walked over to the convenience store to pick up some bandaids and some smokes for a couple of my fellow partygoers. I saw my old schoolmate Mr. Dull who promptly told me that I was certain to go to hell. I asked him why he was so concerned about my destination when it would appear that he had already arrived. He did not appreciate my analysis.
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 15, 2005 13:58:58 GMT -6
First I must say that the response we received was tremendous. We got such good perspectives from everyone even BB. We knew that we would. This couple lives near us and sometimes arrive unannounced, he stares straight ahead and she moans and groans about anything and everything. We do feel exhausted at the end of any social with this couple who we know for 36 years. We also feel a little guilty as it’s obvious that something is up between us and we're not saying anything is wrong. Geri is going to talk over the weekend with the lady part of the couple. I suspect they will be insulted with zero results. I’ll post again how this conversation goes. We’ll see A LOT less of each other, believe me I’ve been trying. On Saturday of the H2 reunion I thought of them, I could not picture "the couple" in this environment, I don't mean being naked (thats out of the question no problem there that’s fine), but just the laughter or smiles would drive them deeper in to that negative state, conversation and general social interaction…not happening.
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Post by viperess on Sept 15, 2005 14:02:44 GMT -6
We must be related by marriage - I have the same sister in- law! OMG--DID YOU MEAN WHAT I THINK YOU DID? ? RIGHT BACK AT'CHA......CHICKIE!!!!! DD
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 15, 2005 14:07:27 GMT -6
He did not appreciate my analysis. People just don't like looking into the mirror
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 19, 2005 5:24:10 GMT -6
The "downer couple" stopped calling us or showing up at our house.
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Post by Lady Irie on Sept 19, 2005 6:44:25 GMT -6
OK, inquiring minds want to know.....did you get a chance to chat with them this weekend? Are they not calling/showing up as a result of that or do you think they've had their own little private conversations about you two and decided you guys have changed, and are wayyyy too wild for them? LOL
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Post by innit Geezer on Sept 19, 2005 13:08:30 GMT -6
OK, inquiring minds want to know.....did you get a chance to chat with them this weekend? Are they not calling/showing up as a result of that or do you think they've had their own little private conversations about you two and decided you guys have changed, and are wayyyy too wild for them? LOL We did not speak at all, but I just discovered a Birthday card for Geri n the mailbox from them. Her birthday (of the couple) is today also. We might be to wild for them, but when we are wild it's out of the country. Although we had sex in a wooded area of a public golf course yesterday. Then went to the 19th hole for brews.
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