Stupid User Tricks

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Having survived working customer support in a previous life, I rather liked these stories, which, unfortunately, seem all too real to me ...

Tech Support Gets a Reprieve While Users Take a Hit

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Caller: So, I'm having a problem with my mouse? It's, like, squeaking?

Agent: I'm sorry, did you say squeaking?

Caller: That's right. The faster I move it across the screen, the louder it squeaks.

Agent: I'm sorry—are you pressing your mouse up against the screen?

Caller: Well, sure! There's a message that says, "Click here to continue!"

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Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times I type eleven, it won't unfreeze.

Agent: What do you mean, "type eleven?"

Caller: The message on my screen says, "Error Type 11!"

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On one call, the caller seemed to be taking an inordinately long time to complete each instruction she was given.

Agent: Ma'am, I can't help noticing that every time I give you an instruction, it takes a really long time before you get back to me. Is your computer that slow?

Caller: Oh, no, it's just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there's only one jack.

Agent: Ma'am, you do realize that there's a jack on the keyboard itself? You're supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer.

Caller: Are YOU KIDDING ME!? Oh, wait a minute—yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That's going to be so much easier!

Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way?

Caller: Six weeks!

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A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command…

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no ch-ch-change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

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[Chicago Jake]

I'll never be able to use Control-A again without chuckling!

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Ranks right up there with the old "My coffee cup holder is broken" story.

[Exildo Wonsetler Briggs III]

My mother and father-in-law are wonderful people whom I get along with very well. However, they are not very technologically inclined.

Awhile back, they had a problem with their monitor . . . it quit working. I talked them through a couple of things, and determined they needed a new monitor. Since we were going to visit them in a couple of days, I told them I'd look things over when I got there.

"Good!" my father in law said. "The new monitor is not working either."

I was perplexed, until I got there.

Though he plugged the monitor into the computer, he never plugged the monitor into the electrical outlet.

I resisted as best I could to say, "here's your sign!" figuring he wouldn't get it anyways . . . . ;D

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Another true tech support story: many years ago when it was common to use 5.25" floppy disks, I worked for a company that sold a program that had an option called "Print To Disk"; this feature was similar to saving the file, except "Print to Disk" meant that the file would be saved to disk with special formatting embedded, so that if you were to submit the file to a printer in order to get a hard copy, it would print with the appropriate formatting (e.g., centered text, bold face, underlining, etc.).

One fine day, a customer called support saying she was having trouble with this particular program. The support tech who was lucky enough to take this call walked her through the usual steps, then suggested she use the "Print To Disk" feature for the problematic file. She asked the tech to hold on ... there was a pause ... then, after a minute or two, she came back on the line. "Was there a problem using the Print To Disk option?", he asked. "Oh, no", she replied, "it's just that before I selected that option, I wanted the printer to be ready, so I put a floppy disk in it ... "

Turns out she took the "Print To Disk" option a bit too literally and inserted a 5.25" floppy disk into the roller bar of her dot matrix printer, then turned the bar until the top of the disk was exposed to the printer's print head.

Stuff like this is just too good to make up.

[nolaflacav]

One of my employees recently had one of their monitors go bad. So I went over and switched them out with a spare set that I had. A very simple task but I knew she was computer challenged and there was no way I was going to ask her to make the switch.

She stood there and watched me for the 5 minutes it took. As I was walking away she thanked me. And then she also said she was excited that I was able to save her tulips wallpaper on the new monitors. I just told her she was welcome and wandered off

[Ardbeg... innit]

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

Obviously, the Agent should have asked the user if they were using the Canadian version of Windows (on the Canadian keyboard 'eh' is in the far upper left)

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Right next to the "Any" key.

[Ardbeg... innit]

I like to map the two onto the same key, but I am never sure which one is shifted

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Press the function key F13, that should tell you.

[Ardbeg... innit]

Im still trying to find the '11' key on my phone so I can dial 9-11

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Call Information at 411 -- they should be able to tell you.

[Ardbeg... innit]

Whats there number at 411?

[♥ COVID-19♥]

I'm not sure, but if it's an emergency, try calling 911 -- they might know.

[Ardbeg... innit]

Maybe I'll check on line first, unless I get a 404 error, it should help

[Chicago Jake]

Here's an old classic one. Probably not true, but who cares?......Jake

UPDATE: According to Snopes, it's all true except the "too stupid" smart-ass ending.

www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperfect.asp

*******************************************

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know?"

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so".

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer".

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes. The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

'No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Whenever we had a customer call, we would have to enter the information in our database and indicate what the nature of the problem was by selecting an item from a drop-down menu: "Bug" if it was an actual bug in our software, "Driver" if it required an updated software driver for a video card or some other device, "Feature" if the customer was requesting a new feature be added to the product, etc. Sometimes, problems fell into a category of simple usage errors -- customers simply didn't know how to use the program; those calls were classified as "RTFM", meaning, "Read The Fucking Manual".

[Chicago Jake]

Yes, I remember that "RTFM" was also a popular reply to user questions during the old usenet and fidonet BBS days.......Jake

[♥ COVID-19♥]

I'm told that the folks from WordPerfect support and Ashton-Tate (dBase) support also used it as well.

[Robin Hood]

Someplace on here I posted a little story about a lady that toasted a few brand new IBM laptops by using the power supply for her Mac on them. For those of you that don't know, Mac uses a totally different voltage, which equals insta-fry for an IBM