20 to 30+ years!

[leftear]

How do people stay married for 20 to 30+ years? As a single bachelor heavily involved in the dating scene, I often ask myself that question and have embarked upon many random conversations with friends, family and the unknown trying to answer it. I've heard stories about people who knew and dated each other for 7 years then got married only to be divorced a year or two later. After 7 years of being together, how can the marriage last only a year or two or three? Conversely, I've heard of people who knew and dated each other for only 6 months to a year, got married and lived happily ever after. What gives?

For me, it is very interesting to hear the diverse answers/theories that people have and encourage anyone to give their thoughts. With the divorce rate 50/50 now-a-days and many unhappy marriages, it's a bit scary for a guy like myself.

Thoughts anyone?

[Harrybutt]

Don't be misled. The divorce rate is higher than 50%.

I can't offer any advice on this as I have done more than my fair share to add to the rate

Congratulations to all those who succeed in long term marriages. I'm is on my last out before being "done".

[Chicago Jake]

Can't help you, Chris, as I've never been married. But I am looking forward to some good answers.

This reminds me of a sign I saw at Hedo last month: "50% of marriages end in divorce, but that's not as bad as it sounds. The other 50% end in Death!"......Jake

[leftear]

Too funny, Jake! I think I seen that as well.

I look forward to the responses from other members. Like I said, it's interesting to hear what works, etc. for others. I like a good pep talk!

Chris

[Irish Stu]

Can't help you with your first question as we've only been married 10 years, but we do fall into your catagory of couples who married a year after they met. As for couples who dated for 7 years or so before marrying then divorce a year or 2 later, I think that in many of those cases the relationship may have been going nowhere and there may have been problems that they thought marrying would fix. Instead it may have just exasperated them and led to feelings of resentment and being trapped.

Simon

[DT]

I was married. Divorced since 93 and like Richard Pryor says when you divorce she gets half the money and all of the pussy

But to stay on topic God Bless them long time married couples. I have no idea how they do it.

[Ardbeg... innit]

Been married for going on 28 years... havnt figured it out either. Although if anyone can put up with me for that long they are deserving of special consideration, hell, my parents could only tolerate me for 18 years.

[BillnPatty]

We have been married for going on 36 years. All I can say is that Patty has the patients of a saint.
Besides we could not afford the lawyer fee.

[Merlot Joe]

Denice and I have been married for 30 years. We met our senior year in high school and got married 7 months later at the age of 18. To make it clear we didn't have to.

Family members on both sides gave us about 2 years before it would fold. Showed them. ;D


If I had to do it all over again, I would in the blink of an eye.

Joe.

ps: Hey Chris glad you made it over here.

[Ardbeg... innit]

BillnPatty said:

Besides we could not afford the lawyer fee.

Yaamon!!!

[Lady Irie]

jdwinelovers said:

If I had to do it all over again, I would in the blink of an eye.Joe.

Joe, THAT is exactally why you've been married 30 years!

We will be married 29 years this year and got married at 20. I do have to say time has just flown! I think keeping the fun in a marriage is something people forget to do. All marriages take a certain amout of work, take out the fun the dysfunction begins.

(Don't you just freak when you look at "kids" that age today and think we were just so much more mature than they are?)

[Hazelita]

How do people stay married for so long? Beats me. I was married for 18 years. That was probably about 8 years longer than I should've been. It isn't likely that I'd do it again.

All of my friends who got married around the same time as me are STILL married and they have kids who are all just reaching the age of 20. Frankly, some of the couples that I would have bet were destined to failed marriages have been the most successful at it. Go figure. <shrug>

[Chicago Jake]

Our friend Diane (Dyan4U) has observed that a trip to Hedo will make a good relationship better, and a bad relationship fall apart. Maybe there is a clue in there? Experiences that rip away the fog of self-delusion and force you to see how you really feel about each other, and who each of you really are, can make or break things. Kind of like Renee's reference to both fun and work being required.......Jake

[Merlot Joe]

Well Jake Diane is right.

A trip to Hedo does make a good relationship better. It did here. After 30 years of marriage it was something different and a big ch-ch-change for us. We are going back next year. Matter of fact will book this week.

I can also see where it could doom a bad relationship real fast under the wrong set of circumstances.

Joe.

[Tex]

Hedo acts on a relationship like a catalyst does in a chemical reaction. Whatever is going to happen anyway does it a hell of a lot faster.

[luckyhedo]

We will be married 18 years this year and have known each other much longer. I think the trick to a good marriage is when someone says to me who is your best friend my immediate answer is Lou.

Put your partner first, children grow up and leave and the two of you stay behiind if you don't do things as a couple and spend quallity time together you will have nothing in the end.

With that being said, each one needs their own space to be their own person. Respect, Respect, Respect.

[irisheyes]

Good Sister, you are so right! (as usual). Particularly in America, people focus so much on the children that the marriage falls apart. I firmly believe that the child should follow the parents, the parents should not follow the child. The "family" consists primarily of the Mom and Dad, the children are periphial (sp?). They should learn life from their parents, conflict resolution, etc.

Figure, a successful marriage is 50+ years? And your kid is the focus for 20 of those years. I, personally, believe in "benevolent neglect" meaning don't micro-manage your kid's lives,and don't neglect your marriage in focusing too much on your kid's live's.

The best thing that you can do for your kids is to keep your marriage solid. First and foremost.

Years and years ago I read an article in Time magazine about the effects of divorce. The trouble is not losing a Mom or a Dad; it is the systemic losing of Dad's or Mom's girlfriend/boyfriend. Divorce introduces into these kid's lives other people, who they will lose as well, more often as not.

Lot's of people say "oh, ypu raised your son as a single parent, it must be so hard" NOT! Raising him by myself (with, of course, Uncle Joe and Grandma) was WAY WAY better then having to ship him off to a home and life and lifestyle that I reneged upon.

Half the time I was pissed off - every guy I ever dated had his kids every weekend, I had my kid 24/7. But it's all good, in the end, I am GLAD that I didn't have to ship my boy off to G*d knows where on alternate weekends. I didn't start 'seriously' dating 'till he was 13 or so, 'cause I couldn't devote enough time to a relationship. And even then, sometimes I HAD to be there.

Anyway, at going on 44 year old (in March) my boy will be 22 (in February), I have to say, even if it makes me a bitch, I am through with raising kids!

[hardwork-DJ]

OK. We've been married for just under 19 years, but we dated 10 years prior to that.

We are each other's best friend. We enjoy each other's company/companionship. We fight. I would be lying if I said we didn't. But I also have disagreements with my female best friend. That is just being human.

The way to make a marriage last is to keep it fun. Hedo sure does help with that. I always say that if we didn't go to Hedo at least once a year we would be divorced!

On the other hand, my parents have been married for over 47 years. They knew each other just 6 weeks when they were married. IMHO they should have been divorced when I was 6 years old Now, they are just so used to each other that they couldn't see living any other way!

Don't know if this is the answer you were looking for, Leftear, but it is all I have to offer.

~DJ~