MIL and Mom

[carl]

After reading in the "Welcome" thread from irisheyes, and all, and then seeing a real mordor subject in the Mom in hospice, my vent seems small potatoes.

My Mother is being cared for by a sister in South Georgia, in the home that she remodeled and added onto - was built years ago by my maternal grandmother and grandfather. Mother has severe health difficulties, and my sister has heart problems of her own, plus she worries about anything that happens. She will absolutely freak when and if Mother dies. My role as the oldest son is mainly ceremonial, and makes me feel quite guilty.

Karma has caught up with me, however. My MIL had been in a convalescent center with a fractured femur, and had just got discharged and back to the home of my stepson and DIL. Then she broke her collar bone while rehabbing with her walker.

The convalescent center wouldn't take her back, as she owed them money, and probably they discharged her too early because of that. We needed to get her off Humana in order to get her on regular medicare (and seek medicaid). But the new medicare wouldn't kick in until January.

And the MIL looked at my wife and said, "Could I come and live with y'all?" Now, understand, she has spent weeks at a time with us, and we have a room for her.

But this past week we moved ALL of her furniture and stuff in my 6 by 12 utility trailer, and today my wife has a big crock pot of chili, some mashed potatoes, and two kinds of beer for the workers, and local family in to help with the unloading the trailer and installing all in her room (and moving all that was in there back to the trailer). Where I'm going to put the things that are now on the back porch that were in the trailer, I'm not sure.

And after having to go with my wife and my MIL whenever they go to shop, so that I can lift and lift back out the wheel chair, and walker, and stuff, and trying to keep up (impossible) with a little old lady who loves to get lost in walmart and go get her hair done and naild done and tip good, and all the things that are needed around the house, I'm about to scream.

Or at least seek herbal remedies. Thank God some may be on the way.

I KNOW that I'm not as bad off as my sister, and I KNOW that some of you have things worse.

Still, I just wanted to vent. I'd like to leave for a few weeks and go to Key West, N 'Orleans, or San Francisco. I've never been to Jamaica.

[Tex]

You have my sympathy.

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Carl -
At this moment, after reading your rant, I appreciate two very important things in my own meaningless life:

1) I've never been married (and never will be)
2) My mother died alone (most appropriately) in a nursing home over 18 years ago. I still uncork Champagne on that anniversary to this very day because she was a merciless cunt who hated me as much as I hated her. I consider that day my own personal holiday.

FWIW ...

[carl]

Do I need to go to the Urban Dictionary to see what FWIW means?

[Tex]

So Beeb, can I deduce that you never wasted too much money on Mother's Day presents?

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Tex, my budget for that shit was less than zero.

[innit Geezer]

I've had a turbulent relationship with my mother but Bukkake Boy --- you beat me. Still, I think she did a fine job raising you, although Carl might not believe it.

[innit Geezer]

.....and Carl, given our average ages around here and so our parents ages, we can all sympathize with your plight.

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Jan 24, 2009 15:58:00 GMT -6 innit Geezer said:

Still, I think she did a fine job raising you, although Carl might not believe it.

Gary, she ain't the one who raised me.

[carl]

Well, you know, I think someone did a good job. I may have got my feelings hurt by you, BB, and I won't try to make you talk warm and fuzzy when you don't want to, but it's obvious you are intelligent and are not about to let life run over you. Good for you. Enjoy each moment.

It was good to have the help, and I enjoyed the chili and the beer, and now most are gone.

[carl]

Not saying that you were to blame for my feelings - probably the fact that I quit smoking 7/31/08, and my emotions lately bounce around a bit. I've been pretty good all my life at hiding my emotions, but lately I'm just going ahead and expressing them. Not always too well received, but what the hell, you know?

[Chicago Jake]

Go ahead and vent, Carl. Some will be sympathetic, some will make fun. For what it's worth (FWIW), that's what anonymous message boards are good for.....Jake

[Ardbeg... innit]

Carl, sounds like some real tough times youre going through. Hang in there, youve got me and your family in me prayers.

[♥ COVID-19♥]

Jan 24, 2009 18:07:21 GMT -6 Ardbeg... innit said:

Carl, sounds like some real tough times youre going through. Hang in there, youve got me and your family in me prayers.

Dear Carl:

Now you're officially fucked.

Have a nice day,

-- (signed)

U - No - Hu

[carl]

Well, I did say "Fuck you all," didn't I? So I can't complain if a little fucking occurs here and there. Will he be gentle?

Was that appropriate? I wanted to say thanks to Jake and the Doc. But too much mushy stuff is kind of hard for lots of us to take, isn't it?

But you know what, I'll say thanks anyway. So there.

[ladydi2153]

My mother lived with me for over 10 years. 10 of the worst years of my and my families life. I'm not going into details, but the day I put her in the nursing home, was the best day of my (and families) life. She was a cold, bitter woman who blamed everyone around her for her misfortunes. She almost drove me to a nervous breakdown. Fortunately, I have a terrific husband who helped me through everything. Saint MIke.
The day she died, I didn't shed a tear. My parakeet died 3 months ago and I still cry everyday. Sad, isn't it???

[carl]

Jan 25, 2009 10:34:02 GMT -6 ladydi2153 said:

My mother lived with me for over 10 years. 10 of the worst years of my and my families life. I'm not going into details, but the day I put her in the nursing home, was the best day of my (and families) life. She was a cold, bitter woman who blamed everyone around her for her misfortunes. She almost drove me to a nervous breakdown. Fortunately, I have a terrific husband who helped me through everything. Saint MIke.
The day she died, I didn't shed a tear. My parakeet died 3 months ago and I still cry everyday. Sad, isn't it???

Truthful. And undoubtedly your keet brought you more enjoyment and shared love with you more, and seemed to appreciate your caring more.

[Irish Stu]

Carl, I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. I often wonder how everything can seem to be going along just fine then all of a sudden life decides to fuck you over. So vent away, it usually helps... if only to get it off your chest once in a while.

It's interesting to hear of others issues with their mothers. In my case it's my father who is the problem. Right now he is not talking to me and is awaiting an apology for whatever it is I'm meant to have done this time. We've spent much of the past ten years with him sulking and not talking to me over one imagined slight after another, sometimes for years at a time. My children barely know him, and even though he is well aware that they are only able to have very limited contact with their mother (that's another story) he is happy to deny them having a grandfather too so he can sulk, feel sorry for himself, and blame me for anything and everything.

Simon (getting it off his chest)

[innit Geezer]

My mother had me when she was 20, so I believe she was still growing up and was essentially a kid with a kid. We get along fine for years now but at times during childhood it wasn't easy.

[carl]

That's interesting, BB. When my first wife and I split after 21 years (and a lot of stories there), my four kids were in two sets - kindergarten and first grade and high school drop-out and entering college. My relationship with the younger two suffered because of limited access and perhaps my not trying hard enough.

The relationships are somewhat recovering - in part, I think because I and my mate are showing our grandchildren that we care.

Whatever issues there may be - real or imagined - between the parent and grown son or daughter, it should not be taken out on the grandkid, IMO. Grandkids deserve to be loved and spoiled.

Not that we don't, for that matter.

[Hedo69]

Carl, it just sorta sucks to have your life turned upside down, eh? I hope she gets well enough so you and Marge can do some traveling and leave her at home to fend for herself. In the meantime, enjoy what you can and maybe it won't be as bad as you think. If it's worse, so sorry!

[carl]

Yeah, it's the ch-ch-change in routine which is the main thing, for me. But you know, my entire married life with my current mate, while not boring, has been a constant ch-ch-change in my routine. So it's not that bad - yet. And if it gets that way, we'll deal with it.

Just felt like venting.

[DT]

Jan 25, 2009 17:06:47 GMT -6 carl said:

Yeah, it's the ch-ch-change in routine which is the main thing, for me. But you know, my entire married life with my current mate, while not boring, has been a constant ch-ch-change in my routine. So it's not that bad - yet. And if it gets that way, we'll deal with it.

Just felt like venting.

Carl, I am a firm believer in that "a problem shared is a problem cut in half."

[carl]

And I've been told, along that line, that even when I know that I'm doing the right action and making the right choice (for now), it helps to remind myself that I AM making the choice. It's not something that is forced on me. So having chosen, one makes the best of it. Instead of spiraling into passive/agressive resentment, I can just have a beer and spew my guts on here. If I don't do it too much.

[Christinko]

Carl, you have my sympathy and admiration. Spew away.

A tiny part of the appeal of moving to California to marry Wayne this summer is that I can leave Chicago, where my parents still live...my mom desperately wants to be a burden to me (and said as much last week). Families offer much pleasure for some and pain for others.

[Merlot Joe]

Parents can put pressure on you when they get older. It seems that mine can't do anything for themselves any more. Problems with there rentals, insurance, cars, whatever they need some one to do it for them. They are 83 and 80 still very active but won't take a responsibility for themselves any longer.

At time I wish I could do like Chris and move away.

We had the same problem with Denice's mom before she died, but even worse. She just stopped living and it all fell on Denice's shoulders. I was very proud of the way she handled it.

Carl hang in there bud, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Joe

[carl]

Thanks. Yes, my Mom is 83, and is very helpless (but somewhat brought on, I think, by my sister's refusal to let Mom do anything - it truly angers my wife, who is a nurse). And my MIL is 85, and has always been very active and independent. And she still wants to be. And she has always been a controlling person, and she still is.

Once when they lived in a suburb of Tampa, years ago, my wife had a surprise birthday party for her Mom, at the time Mom was due to come for dinner. When Mom was a no-show my wife (we had not met yet) called, asking, "Why aren't you here?" Mom said that she drove over, saw all the cars parked around the house, and was angry that there obviously was a party going on, to which she hadn't been invited!

There were no more surprise parties - ever!