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Post by Robin Hood on Oct 5, 2012 14:37:41 GMT -6
I have been a bit backed up here lately... so I decided to get myself a "treat" that was good for me... I bought my first box of Fiber One bars to test the waters of adding some more fiber to my diet, since my average daily fiber intake is probably about -200% of what is recommended.
So I was working at the computer and wanted something to snack on, so I got up and decided I would try one of these new treats I bought myself. I opened up this fairly innocuous looking little Chocolate and Oat bar... I tentatively took a bite... damn this is really tasty. I downed that one and grabbed another, followed by a nice big glass of ice cold milk. Wow, I could get used to a snack like these!! About an hour later it started...
I have NEVER had gas like this before, it started with a low rumble and I could feel the gas bubbles racing through my inner tubing like a bunch of drunk hedonists doing naked waterslide runs over and over again... well just like those naked hedonists... they grew tired of racing around and wanted out of the pool. I started farting like I have never farted before... I am not talking little popcorn farts... I am talking 15-20 second, window rattling, paint peeling farts...truly EPIC gaseous emissions. I am no stranger to foods that might make you toot a bit... I have NEVER seen anything like this EVER!! I went to bed still emitting very large quantities of methane, I actually woke myself up several times during the night. ;D
Whoever created these VERY tasty little treats is either a comedian or a really sick sadist... I haven't figured it out yet, however the inner comedian in me can't wait to grab a couple more boxes of these tasty little things and have a little fun.
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Post by New Mama on Oct 5, 2012 15:17:33 GMT -6
Thanks for sharing.
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Oct 5, 2012 15:38:32 GMT -6
Good story, but not great. In order to make it great, you needed to wash down your snack with prune juice.
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Oct 5, 2012 18:09:54 GMT -6
Some people have all the fun
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Oct 6, 2012 7:57:39 GMT -6
Making a mental note to bring a box of Fiber One bars with me on my next Hedo trip.
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Post by innit Geezer on Oct 6, 2012 9:22:31 GMT -6
I wonder how much of that infliction was from the milk.
I doubt the Fiber One® bars would cause such trouble, after all, who would eat them again?
I imagine people would rather be "backed up".
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Post by innit Geezer on Oct 6, 2012 9:31:16 GMT -6
www.fiberone.com/go-fiber/know-your-fiber-factsEase in to it When you’re ready to increase the fiber in your diet, be sure to do it gradually. Over time your body will adjust to the positive ch-ch-change. One way to help is to drink plenty of water. Eight 8-oz glasses a day is a good number to shoot for.
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Post by Robin Hood on Oct 6, 2012 13:09:40 GMT -6
I have done some research into WTF went wrong... and found a few other incidents of extreme gas explosions due to Fiber One bars... turns out it is the Chicory Root Extract they use as the main ingredient. There are TONS of postings on the internet about the effects of these things. These things were forged in the depths of hell by Satan himself!! How can something that tastes sooooo good and is supposedly "good for you" create such foulness. I can't wait to go on a long car trip and pull out a "snack" to enjoy...ROFL  |
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Post by Tex on Oct 6, 2012 13:45:27 GMT -6
Chicory root is commonly mixed with coffee by many of the Louisiana coffee roasters. Cafe Du Monde, French Market, Community, and others specialize in coffee/chicory blends. Maybe that is part of that "get up and go feeling".
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Oct 6, 2012 14:49:47 GMT -6
Chicory root is commonly mixed with coffee by many of the Louisiana coffee roasters. Cafe Du Monde, French Market, Community, and others specialize in coffee/chicory blends. Maybe that is part of that "get up and go feeling". We used to have a lot of "back to nature" types in Wisconsin who would harvest the wild chicory that grew there, and then sold it as a coffee substitute. Never tried it. |
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Oct 6, 2012 14:51:38 GMT -6
I have done some research into WTF went wrong... and found a few other incidents of extreme gas explosions due to Fiber One bars... turns out it is the Chicory Root Extract they use as the main ingredient. There are TONS of postings on the internet about the effects of these things. These things were forged in the depths of hell by Satan himself!! How can something that tastes sooooo good and is supposedly "good for you" create such foulness. I can't wait to go on a long car trip and pull out a "snack" to enjoy...ROFLDont waste on a car ride, wait for a plane trip or church |
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Oct 6, 2012 15:49:09 GMT -6
Or prison.
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Oct 6, 2012 17:59:00 GMT -6
Spectacular dutch oven capabilities.
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Post by innit Geezer on Oct 6, 2012 18:54:37 GMT -6
RH, eat a sleeve of Fig Newtons and that should bring you back to a neutral pressure.
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Post by Merlot Joe on Oct 6, 2012 18:54:37 GMT -6
I have done some research into WTF went wrong... and found a few other incidents of extreme gas explosions due to Fiber One bars... turns out it is the Chicory Root Extract they use as the main ingredient. There are TONS of postings on the internet about the effects of these things. These things were forged in the depths of hell by Satan himself!! How can something that tastes sooooo good and is supposedly "good for you" create such foulness. I can't wait to go on a long car trip and pull out a "snack" to enjoy...ROFLDont waste on a car ride, wait for a plane trip or church An elevator full of people!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Post by innit Geezer on Oct 7, 2012 8:41:44 GMT -6
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Oct 7, 2012 10:38:37 GMT -6
Never put the two together until now.. but in the movie Blazing Saddles, the character played by Mel Brooks was Gov LePetomane... probably intentional
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Post by Tex on Oct 7, 2012 11:13:44 GMT -6
Never put the two together until now.. but in the movie Blazing Saddles, the character played by Mel Brooks was Gov LePetomane... probably intentional This could account for the saddles being ablaze to start with. |
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Oct 7, 2012 16:11:37 GMT -6
An elevator full of people!!!!!!!!!!!! There are few things more gratifying than playing a solo on the ass trumpet for a captive audience. |
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Post by Merlot Joe on Oct 8, 2012 8:29:45 GMT -6
An elevator full of people!!!!!!!!!!!! There are few things more gratifying than playing a solo on the ass trumpet for a captive audience. It's extra special if it's a slow elevator to the 30th floor. Actually you rip a big one just as the doors open and walk off. Then 5 people get on and stare at each other trying to figure out who shit in their pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Oct 8, 2012 8:44:14 GMT -6
With the skyscrapers here in NYC that go even higher than a 30th floor, it can be even more of an adventure! Just remember not to take an express elevator -- that would ruin all the fun.
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Post by Merlot Joe on Oct 8, 2012 8:49:22 GMT -6
Our tallest building here is 3 floors. So you better make it loud and smelly.
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Oct 8, 2012 9:04:06 GMT -6
3 floors? That's what we call "tuning up".
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Post by Merlot Joe on Oct 8, 2012 9:27:44 GMT -6
3 floors? That's what we call "tuning up". When the buil the first 3 story building here 10 years ago, the Fire Department was against it, because they had no idea what they would do if there was a fire in the building. They still don't. |
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Post by ♥ COVID-19♥ on Oct 8, 2012 9:43:45 GMT -6
Everyone should pitch-in and buy them a ladder.
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Post by innit Geezer on Oct 8, 2012 9:58:46 GMT -6
The town in which we live has only one building over two stories and that's a 125 year old school house at four stories high. It's also fire hazard related but over the past few years equipment has become significantly updated but still volunteer, thank god.
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Post by innit Geezer on Oct 8, 2012 11:12:42 GMT -6
Strictly NO condominium zoning as well. Love how we can discuss zoning, fire safety and stomach issues in the same thread.
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Post by Tex on Oct 9, 2012 20:06:55 GMT -6
My first father in law had a Houston office in the Prudential Building. He told me that one morning when he had really bad gas, he got on the elevator and turned and faced the door. He held back until everyone else got off then he let it rip. To his surprise, the elevator stopped before it reached his floor and a very attractive lady walked from behind him and gave him the go to hell look.
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Post by Irish Stu on Oct 11, 2012 6:56:30 GMT -6
I have been a bit backed up here lately... so I decided to get myself a "treat" that was good for me... I bought my first box of Fiber One bars to test the waters of adding some more fiber to my diet, since my average daily fiber intake is probably about -200% of what is recommended. So I was working at the computer and wanted something to snack on, so I got up and decided I would try one of these new treats I bought myself. I opened up this fairly innocuous looking little Chocolate and Oat bar... I tentatively took a bite... damn this is really tasty. I downed that one and grabbed another, followed by a nice big glass of ice cold milk. Wow, I could get used to a snack like these!! About an hour later it started... I have NEVER had gas like this before, it started with a low rumble and I could feel the gas bubbles racing through my inner tubing like a bunch of drunk hedonists doing naked waterslide runs over and over again... well just like those naked hedonists... they grew tired of racing around and wanted out of the pool. I started farting like I have never farted before... I am not talking little popcorn farts... I am talking 15-20 second, window rattling, paint peeling farts...truly EPIC gaseous emissions. I am no stranger to foods that might make you toot a bit... I have NEVER seen anything like this EVER!! I went to bed still emitting very large quantities of methane, I actually woke myself up several times during the night. ;D Whoever created these VERY tasty little treats is either a comedian or a really sick sadist... I haven't figured it out yet, however the inner comedian in me can't wait to grab a couple more boxes of these tasty little things and have a little fun I really enjoyed the story but feel the ending could have been a little stronger. Something like this perhaps : "... I was producing so much gas that I decided to experiment and discovered, to my delight, that by controlling the tightness of my sphincter and the length of each gaseous emission I could produce farts that sounded not dissimilar to musical notes. In no time at all I had begun to master the art of making music with my farts... simple tunes at first, such as 'Three Blind Mice' and 'Humpty Dumpty', but within a couple of hours I was able to tackle more complex pieces such as Mike Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells' and Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon'. My head was spinning with the possibilities!! Could this really be happening? Did I really now have a talent with which to fulfill my dream of leaving the world of computers behind me and running off and joining a travelling circus? I calmed myself down. My act would need some work first, some tweaking and developing, and for that I would need a test audience, so I got on my cell and within the hour had a good sized crowd of friends and family assembled in the sitting room which included the school principal, the lady from the tanning salon, Father O'Brian our family priest, and a man who had only come by to fix the roof. And so it began. I took my position in front of the fireplace, bent forwards with my arse pointing at my excited audience, and farted like my life depended on it!! My opener, Springsteen's 'Born in the USA' brought tears to their eyes, they gasped in awe at my falsetto guffs as I treated them to the Bee Gees' 'Night Fever' and 'Stayin' Alive' and raised the roof with their whoops and cheers after I'd trumped my way through Don McLean's 'American Pie'. And now for my grand finale, a full rendition of Tchaikovsky's '1812 Overture'. For fourteen minutes I pumped, trumped, guffed and trumpeted, filling the room with sweet music, and my audience's hearts with joy, then into Tchaikovsky's grand finale. I paused momentarily, bracing myself for the climatic brass fanfare of ringing chimes and cannon fire. For fifty seconds my anus rasped and trumped like it had never done before, until finally it was time for the final cannon shot. Mustering every ounce of my strength and the last reserves of gas lurking within me, I pushed for all I was worth. It left my arse like a sonic boom, one last, long rumbling cannon shot, rattling the windows, startling the neighbourhood cats, and setting off numerous car alarms along the street. But the boom quickly became a gurgle, which then became a sound I can only liken to what flat tires must sound like on a muddy road. I'd followed through!! My audience's delight turned rapidly to horror. And disgust. Men fanned the air with their hands, whilst the women took tissues from their purses to cover their noses. Father O' Brian, who wasn't known for having the strongest constitution, let out a little whimper then fainted. The lady from the tanning salon threw a vase at me, then began opening the windows. It was a long, long walk of shame to the bathroom. END Or you can just tell it your way. Whatever. |
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Post by Ardbeg... innit on Oct 11, 2012 7:07:03 GMT -6
Laughing my ass off.. literally, its on the floor and the dog will drag it away if I dont stop typing.
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